I wish my lawyer would contact me.With my hearing date hanging over my head, I need some way of controlling the situation. Even if it is just writing about something or getting a witness to testify on my behalf. Its just pushing this depression further down. I feel helpless about something that could change my life for the better. Its not like it will solve all my problems, but it will help me not put bandaids on things and start to progress. I want to be able to afford therapy and medications. Not just build debt and avoiding things cause they need money upfront.
Man I should put this on my mental health log. ctrl-a ctrl-v.

1. Today I mostly felt... okay
2. The things mostly on my mind... not doing stuff i need to
3. Was I emotionally receptive? yeah
4. What did I enjoy about today? coloring my wife's hair
5. How am I changing? ...
6. Something that I like about me is? I am here for my wife
7. What behaviors do I need to keep? ....
8. What behaviors do I need to adjust? ....
9. How did I sleep last night? bad
10. How did I progress today? ....
11. Did I accomplish yesterday's goal? i think so
12. My goal for tomorrow is... work on the lego website
13. Did I relate well with others today? yeah
14. Any triggers? I head something like murder mystery music in target
15. How did I deal with the trigger? Ignored it
16. Was I mostly depressed, normal, or manic? depressed
17. When did I take my night pills? 12.30
18. Did I take all of today's pills? no
19. Was I ill? no

1. Today I mostly felt... okay
2. The things mostly on my mind... getting things done
3. Was I emotionally receptive? yes
4. What did I enjoy about today? driving around
5. How am I changing? not today
6. Something that I like about me is? I am being creative
7. What behaviors do I need to keep? cooking/getting house hold things done
8. What behaviors do I need to adjust? melancholy
9. How did I sleep last night? okay with the cpap
10. How did I progress today? nah
11. Did I accomplish yesterday's goal? not sure what it was but i think so
12. My goal for tomorrow is... have fun with the wife
13. Did I relate well with others today? yes
14. How did I deal with the trigger?no triggers
15. Was I mostly depressed, normal, or manic? lightly depressed
16. When did I take my night pills?11.15
17. Did I take all of today's pills? yes
18. Was I ill? no

1. Today I mostly felt... Down
2. The things mostly on my mind... wanting to do something anything
3. Was I emotionally receptive? no
4. What did I enjoy about today? chinese food for dinner
5. How am I changing? not today
6. Something that I like about me is? not sure today
7. What behaviors do I need to keep?...meh...
8. What behaviors do I need to adjust?....
9. How did I sleep last night? bad
10. How did I progress today? ....
11. Did I accomplish yesterday's goal? not sure what it was... so maybe
12. My goal for tomorrow is... get out of the house
13. Did I relate well with others today? kinda
14. Any triggers? nope
15. How did I deal with the trigger? ...
16. Was I mostly depressed, normal, or manic? depressed
17. When did I take my night pills? 10.30
18. Did I take all of today's pills? half
19. Was I ill? no but i cut my foot on some glass
 

I got my Cpap machine today. It just reminds me of how more broken i am than I originally thought a few years ago. 

1. Today I mostly felt... Meh
2. The things mostly on my mind... how tired i ma
3. Was I emotionally receptive? nope
4. What did I enjoy about today? making cookie dough
5. How am I changing? not
6. Something that I like about me is? I can make a mean cookie
7. What behaviors do I need to keep? ...
8. What behaviors do I need to adjust? the depression
9. How did I sleep last night? way too long and horrible
10. How did I progress today? didn't
11. Did I accomplish yesterday's goal? nope
12. My goal for tomorrow is... try again
13. Did I relate well with others today?nope
14. Any triggers?nope
15. How did I deal with the trigger? nope
16. Was I mostly depressed, normal, or manic? depressed
17. When did I take my night pills? 9.37
18. Did I take all of today's pills?half slept in too much
19. Was I ill? no, but tons of muscle spasms in my arms

1. Today I mostly felt... Sad, frustrated, and lost
2. The things mostly on my mind... my lack of ability to do certain things right now
3. Was I emotionally receptive? yes
4. What did I enjoy about today? a small girl's birthday party
5. How am I changing? not sure today
6. Something that I like about me is? I try
7. What behaviors do I need to keep? non from today
8. What behaviors do I need to adjust? all of them
9. How did I sleep last night? badly
10. How did I progress today? didn't
11. Did I accomplish yesterday's goal?not sure dont remember
12. My goal for tomorrow is...to Snu-Snu my wife
13. Did I relate well with others today? sure
14. Any triggers? no
15. How did I deal with the trigger? no triggers
16. Was I mostly depressed, normal, or manic?depressed
17. When did I take my night pills? 12am
18. Did I take all of today's pills?yeah
19. Was I ill? no

1. Today I mostly felt...Tired and had clarity of thought
2. The things mostly on my mind... How much I want that Fucking Rocket Raccoon action figure.
3. Was I emotionally receptive? Yes
4. What did I enjoy about today? My wife
5. How am I changing? My best friend put it this way, I not sure why but it felt a little derogatory " I am become emotionally invested in my marriage.
6. Something that I like about me is? I am creative.
7. What behaviors do I need to keep? Loving my wife more and being creative.
8. What behaviors do I need to adjust? Obsessive thoughts
9. How did I sleep last night? well
10. How did I progress today? not sure if i did, i jsut kinda relaxed
11. Did I accomplish yesterday's goal? yeah
12. My goal for tomorrow is... Spend more quality time with the wife. and maybe clean
13. Did I relate well with others today? yeah
14. Any triggers? no
15. How did I deal with the trigger? no trigger
16. Was I mostly depressed, normal, or manic? depressed
17. When did I take my night pills? 10.10
18. Did I take all of today's pills? half
19. Was I ill?No 
 

I feel like the past few day have been a new Spencerian for me. I am really grateful for my wife. She does things for me and with me that I thought no-one else would. I realized more than ever that I am now not alone in my mad adventures. Things are changing with our family. She is having to move to another store to mange that is going to make a huge dent in our fiances because of how far away it is.

 This week I also made my own Rocket Raccoon hoodie. It was a thing of mania and session. I love it, mostly because it's the first thing i have sewn since junior high home ec, and my wife helped me make it. My hand aren't as steady as they used to be. It took me aroun 5-6 minutes to thread the needle on the sewing machine, she helped me with the hand sewing. It really help my mind doing it. I was clear in away i haven't been in year. I really do love making things with my hand. I may not be able to keep even a little bit of SQL schooling in my head. But I can sew a half decent hoodie in a day. 

My best friend always seem too busy to be present with me. When we hang out he seems guarded and lost in his head. I miss the lack of bullshit that we both used to have. Any time I go to hang out with him I feel like a annoying  younger brother, rather than a hetero-life-mate. He does have a lot on his plate with his relationships. But I feel like I get the left over tired guy with his head everywhere but with me, when we do stuff. (I feel like a whinny school girl.)

 I really need to use one of the last two appointment with my therapist I have to get things straight in my head. And get my Cpap machine, and return phone calls from the past week. But I really dont want to deal with people.

1. Today I mostly felt... Tired and Defeated
2. The things mostly on my mind... Trying to get the energy to get things done
3. Was I emotionally receptive? I think so..
4. What did I enjoy about today? Howard the Duck
5. How am I changing? The struggle to get things done, most of the time I would just give up
6. Something that I like about me is? I kept up the good fight
7. What behaviors do I need to keep? Trying
8. What behaviors do I need to adjust? Lethargy
9. How did I sleep last night? Okay, I change plans at 9 and slept in till 12.
10. How did I progress today? I tried my little ass off
11. Did I accomplish yesterday's goal? Yep
12. My goal for tomorrow is... To actually make it to my Aunts and sew it up
13. Did I relate well with others today? Yeah kinda, not much contact outside the house.
14. Any triggers? nope
15. How did I deal with the trigger? nah
16. Was I mostly depressed, normal, or manic? Depressed
17. When did I take my night pills? 10.30
18. Did I take all of today's pills? yep
19. Was I ill? No just really sore.

1. Today I mostly felt... Rushed and Angry
2. The things mostly on my mind... Getting to things and getting things done
3. Was I emotionally receptive? Not Really
4. What did I enjoy about today? My wife understanding me.
5. How am I changing? Not really
6. Something that I like about me is? I am trying to finish what i started, sewing project.
7. What behaviors do I need to keep? Finishing what i started
8. What behaviors do I need to adjust? Anger and anxiety
9. How did I sleep last night? Horrible
10. Did I accomplish yesterday's goal? yeah
11. My goal for tomorrow is... Work more on sewing less stress
12. Did I relate well with others today? Kinda
13.  Any triggers?  Yes wife calling me while i was trying to nap telling me i needed to come to work to pick up stuff that she was supposed to take care of. 
14. How did I deal with the trigger? Not well
15. Was I mostly depressed, normal, or manic? Depressed
16. When did I take my night pills? 10
17. Did I take all of today's pills? Yes
18. Was I ill? No, but very tired and scratchy throat, Probably from cats

1. Today I mostly felt... Tired
2. The things mostly on my mind... Nervous about getting things done
3. Was I emotionally receptive? Kinda
4. What did I enjoy about today? Gaming with the wife
5. How am I changing? Nothing really changing here
6. Something that I like about me is? I fixed dinner, even though i over cooked it
7. What behaviors do I need to keep? Being reliable about fixing dinner?
8. What behaviors do I need to adjust? Being Nervous alot and not sleeping
9. How did I sleep last night? Horrible
10. How did I progress today? Not really
11. Did I accomplish yesterday's goal? Yep
12. My goal for tomorrow is... to fix wifes computer
13. Did I relate well with others today? Kinda
14. Any triggers? Crunching wrappers while trying to talk to me
15. How did I deal with the trigger? Horribly
16. Was I mostly depressed, normal, or manic? Slightly depressed
17. When did I take my night pills? 10pm
18. Was I ill? Nope
 I think I deleted my did i take my daily pills. Yeah I did. And It keeps getting harder and harder to get enough water in me so my lithium doesn't make me sick. I think I should add water intake of liquid intake to the questions.

1. Today I mostly felt... good
2. The things mostly on my mind... How hot it is
3. Was I emotionally receptive? yes
4. What did I enjoy about today? Spending time with my wife
5. How am I changing? I cleaned the house this week and enjoyed it
6. Something that I like about me is? I cleaned the house
7. What behaviors do I need to keep? Cleaning
8. What behaviors do I need to adjust? BPD outburst
9. How did I sleep last night? Shitty
10. How did I progress today? Got up at 7 and was productive all day
11. Did I accomplish yesterday's goal? didn't have one
12. My goal for tomorrow is...Call  about CPAP
13. Did I relate well with others today? Okay, not alot of contact outside of my wife.
14. Any triggers? Yes, she said i could do something, and then when i asked again she said no. Cause she didn't think it through or hear me clearly
15. How did I deal with the trigger? calmly
16. Was I mostly depressed, normal, or manic? Normal I think
17. When did I take my night pills? 10.04
18. Did I take all of today's pills?yes
19. Was I ill? NOPE

5/12

1. Today I mostly felt... rushed
2. The things mostly on my mind... the past and helping people through what i have done
3. Was I emotionally receptive? Yeah
4. What did I enjoy about today? My wife
5. How am I changing? being able ot calm down from massive anger
6. Something that I like about me is? I am able to help
7. What behaviors do I need to keep? controlling my anger
8. What behaviors do I need to adjust? getting so angry
9. How did I sleep last night? okay but not enough
10. How did I progress today? controll
11. Did I accomplish yesterday's goal? nope
12. My goal for tomorrow is... to achieve my goal of achieveing a goal
13. Did I relate well with others today? yes
14. Any triggers? a bunch of things just compling
15. How did I deal with the trigger? take a beat and chilling out
16. Was I mostly depressed, normal, or manic? normal
17. When did I take my night pills? 10
18. Did I take all of today's pills? yes

1. Today I mostly felt... Tired cause i didnt sleep


2. The things mostly on my mind... Being tired


3. Was I emotionally receptive? Nope


4. What did I enjoy about today? Getting 29 bucks


5. How am I changing? I got things done while my head was a mess.


6. Something that I like about me is?See 5


7. What behaviors do I need to keep? See 5


8. What behaviors do I need to adjust? getting my head messed with from holidays


9. How did I sleep last night? Horribly


10. How did I progress today? see 5


11. Did I accomplish yesterday's goal? nope


12. My goal for tomorrow is... get my list


13. Did I relate well with others today? no


14. Any triggers? Mother day


15. How did I deal with the trigger? See 5


16. Was I mostly depressed, normal, or manic? Normal i think, getting things done is weird


17. When did I take my night pills? haven't yet


18. Did I take all of today's pills? jes


19. Was I ill? nope just tired