I wish my lawyer would contact me.With my hearing date hanging over my head, I need some way of controlling the situation. Even if it is just writing about something or getting a witness to testify on my behalf. Its just pushing this depression further down. I feel helpless about something that could change my life for the better. Its not like it will solve all my problems, but it will help me not put bandaids on things and start to progress. I want to be able to afford therapy and medications. Not just build debt and avoiding things cause they need money upfront.
Man I should put this on my mental health log. ctrl-a ctrl-v.

1. Today I mostly felt... okay
2. The things mostly on my mind... not doing stuff i need to
3. Was I emotionally receptive? yeah
4. What did I enjoy about today? coloring my wife's hair
5. How am I changing? ...
6. Something that I like about me is? I am here for my wife
7. What behaviors do I need to keep? ....
8. What behaviors do I need to adjust? ....
9. How did I sleep last night? bad
10. How did I progress today? ....
11. Did I accomplish yesterday's goal? i think so
12. My goal for tomorrow is... work on the lego website
13. Did I relate well with others today? yeah
14. Any triggers? I head something like murder mystery music in target
15. How did I deal with the trigger? Ignored it
16. Was I mostly depressed, normal, or manic? depressed
17. When did I take my night pills? 12.30
18. Did I take all of today's pills? no
19. Was I ill? no

1. Today I mostly felt... okay
2. The things mostly on my mind... getting things done
3. Was I emotionally receptive? yes
4. What did I enjoy about today? driving around
5. How am I changing? not today
6. Something that I like about me is? I am being creative
7. What behaviors do I need to keep? cooking/getting house hold things done
8. What behaviors do I need to adjust? melancholy
9. How did I sleep last night? okay with the cpap
10. How did I progress today? nah
11. Did I accomplish yesterday's goal? not sure what it was but i think so
12. My goal for tomorrow is... have fun with the wife
13. Did I relate well with others today? yes
14. How did I deal with the trigger?no triggers
15. Was I mostly depressed, normal, or manic? lightly depressed
16. When did I take my night pills?11.15
17. Did I take all of today's pills? yes
18. Was I ill? no

1. Today I mostly felt... Down
2. The things mostly on my mind... wanting to do something anything
3. Was I emotionally receptive? no
4. What did I enjoy about today? chinese food for dinner
5. How am I changing? not today
6. Something that I like about me is? not sure today
7. What behaviors do I need to keep?...meh...
8. What behaviors do I need to adjust?....
9. How did I sleep last night? bad
10. How did I progress today? ....
11. Did I accomplish yesterday's goal? not sure what it was... so maybe
12. My goal for tomorrow is... get out of the house
13. Did I relate well with others today? kinda
14. Any triggers? nope
15. How did I deal with the trigger? ...
16. Was I mostly depressed, normal, or manic? depressed
17. When did I take my night pills? 10.30
18. Did I take all of today's pills? half
19. Was I ill? no but i cut my foot on some glass
 

I got my Cpap machine today. It just reminds me of how more broken i am than I originally thought a few years ago. 

1. Today I mostly felt... Meh
2. The things mostly on my mind... how tired i ma
3. Was I emotionally receptive? nope
4. What did I enjoy about today? making cookie dough
5. How am I changing? not
6. Something that I like about me is? I can make a mean cookie
7. What behaviors do I need to keep? ...
8. What behaviors do I need to adjust? the depression
9. How did I sleep last night? way too long and horrible
10. How did I progress today? didn't
11. Did I accomplish yesterday's goal? nope
12. My goal for tomorrow is... try again
13. Did I relate well with others today?nope
14. Any triggers?nope
15. How did I deal with the trigger? nope
16. Was I mostly depressed, normal, or manic? depressed
17. When did I take my night pills? 9.37
18. Did I take all of today's pills?half slept in too much
19. Was I ill? no, but tons of muscle spasms in my arms

1. Today I mostly felt... Sad, frustrated, and lost
2. The things mostly on my mind... my lack of ability to do certain things right now
3. Was I emotionally receptive? yes
4. What did I enjoy about today? a small girl's birthday party
5. How am I changing? not sure today
6. Something that I like about me is? I try
7. What behaviors do I need to keep? non from today
8. What behaviors do I need to adjust? all of them
9. How did I sleep last night? badly
10. How did I progress today? didn't
11. Did I accomplish yesterday's goal?not sure dont remember
12. My goal for tomorrow is...to Snu-Snu my wife
13. Did I relate well with others today? sure
14. Any triggers? no
15. How did I deal with the trigger? no triggers
16. Was I mostly depressed, normal, or manic?depressed
17. When did I take my night pills? 12am
18. Did I take all of today's pills?yeah
19. Was I ill? no

1. Today I mostly felt...Tired and had clarity of thought
2. The things mostly on my mind... How much I want that Fucking Rocket Raccoon action figure.
3. Was I emotionally receptive? Yes
4. What did I enjoy about today? My wife
5. How am I changing? My best friend put it this way, I not sure why but it felt a little derogatory " I am become emotionally invested in my marriage.
6. Something that I like about me is? I am creative.
7. What behaviors do I need to keep? Loving my wife more and being creative.
8. What behaviors do I need to adjust? Obsessive thoughts
9. How did I sleep last night? well
10. How did I progress today? not sure if i did, i jsut kinda relaxed
11. Did I accomplish yesterday's goal? yeah
12. My goal for tomorrow is... Spend more quality time with the wife. and maybe clean
13. Did I relate well with others today? yeah
14. Any triggers? no
15. How did I deal with the trigger? no trigger
16. Was I mostly depressed, normal, or manic? depressed
17. When did I take my night pills? 10.10
18. Did I take all of today's pills? half
19. Was I ill?No 
 

I feel like the past few day have been a new Spencerian for me. I am really grateful for my wife. She does things for me and with me that I thought no-one else would. I realized more than ever that I am now not alone in my mad adventures. Things are changing with our family. She is having to move to another store to mange that is going to make a huge dent in our fiances because of how far away it is.

 This week I also made my own Rocket Raccoon hoodie. It was a thing of mania and session. I love it, mostly because it's the first thing i have sewn since junior high home ec, and my wife helped me make it. My hand aren't as steady as they used to be. It took me aroun 5-6 minutes to thread the needle on the sewing machine, she helped me with the hand sewing. It really help my mind doing it. I was clear in away i haven't been in year. I really do love making things with my hand. I may not be able to keep even a little bit of SQL schooling in my head. But I can sew a half decent hoodie in a day. 

My best friend always seem too busy to be present with me. When we hang out he seems guarded and lost in his head. I miss the lack of bullshit that we both used to have. Any time I go to hang out with him I feel like a annoying  younger brother, rather than a hetero-life-mate. He does have a lot on his plate with his relationships. But I feel like I get the left over tired guy with his head everywhere but with me, when we do stuff. (I feel like a whinny school girl.)

 I really need to use one of the last two appointment with my therapist I have to get things straight in my head. And get my Cpap machine, and return phone calls from the past week. But I really dont want to deal with people.